Headlines Circa 2059?

VIA SBINSIDER CONTRIBUTOR| March 23rd, 2024

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 100 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
The Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for president in 2060.
Postal Service raises price of first-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. and life expectancy is now at 57.2 yrs.
85-year and $375.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR, even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
A Couple Finally Achieved Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous headaches.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches.
New federal law requires that all assault weapons, ie; nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
DOJ, FBI, CIA, NSA, IRS, DNC, NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, NPR are still searching for something that will posthumously convict Donald J. Trump.