Headlines Circa 2059?

VIA SBINSIDER CONTRIBUTOR| March 23rd, 2024

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. 
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 100 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
  • The Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for president in 2060.
  • Postal Service raises price of first-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  •  Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. and life expectancy is now at 57.2 yrs. 
  • 85-year and $375.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  •  Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
  •  Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR, even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open Tuesdays and Fridays.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  •  A Couple Finally Achieved Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous headaches.
  • Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches.
  • New federal law requires that all assault weapons, ie; nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060. 
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 
  • DOJ, FBI, CIA, NSA, IRS, DNC, NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, NPR  are still searching for something that will posthumously convict Donald J. Trump.

 

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Sharon Walker
Sharon Walker
26 days ago

Where do you get these. They’re great😂

Stewart Fleisher
Stewart W Fleisher
26 days ago

SBINSIDER is starting to look like the Babylon Bee. Congratulations!