Senior Thoughts and Funnies


  •  So cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t.  That must be frustrating.
  • Still trying to get my head around the fact that the words ‘Take-Out‘ can mean food, a date, or murder.
  • To the paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.  If you do find one, what’s your plan?
  •  Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ of the patients’ cafeteria in a mental hospital.
  • You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs Tylenol’ and ‘downstairs Tylenol’.
  • I too was once a male trapped in a female body …and then I was born.
  • When I lost two fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I’d still be able to write with it.  He said, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
  • I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise daily.  But that was five hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
  • Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars come out at once from a vending machine.
  • We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
  • The biggest joke on humans is that computers have begun asking us to prove we aren’t robots.
  • When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
  • If Adam and Eve had been really smart, they’d have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
  • We celebrated our anniversary last night with a couple of adult beverages …Metamucil and Ensure.
  • Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
  • After watching how some people wore their covid masks, I understand why contraception devices fail.
  • Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
  • For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they’re making a male version …it doesn’t listen to anything.
  • Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly …next week: Turn Signals.
  • Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”  I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
  • The pessimist complains about the wind.  The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.
  • There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
  • Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
  • I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
  • My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
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