Sonoran Sue: Rocky Raccoon on a Bender
Dear Sonoran Sue,
I read this wild news article about a raccoon breaking into a liquor store in Virginia, getting drunk on the bottom-shelf scotch, smashing up the place, then passing out on the bathroom floor. Animal control found him snoring like he’d been on a bender with my Uncle Harold on New Year’s Eve. My question is… what should someone do if they find a drunken raccoon? It’s possible here in Saddlebrooke. We host many outdoor happy hours, not to mention we have more unlocked garage fridges than people.
— Asking for a Friend
Dear Concerned “for a Friend,”
Let me begin by saying:
I also like raccoons. They’re nature’s little burglars—sneaky, shameless, and masked for crime 24/7. If they sold tiny crowbars at PetSmart, we’d be doomed.
But your Virginia raccoon? That boy didn’t just dabble. He went full Vegas weekend, fell through the ceiling, massacred the single-malt aisle, and wound up face-down in the restroom. We don’t judge. We’ve all had a night like that. Some of us were even wearing pants.
So what should you do with a drunken raccoon?
#1: Support Detox
- Remove temptations. Pour out any remaining scotch. Yes, even the cheap stuff. You don’t want him rallying.
- Provide a quiet detox space. A shady spot in your yard where the neighbors can’t see what you’re doing is ideal. If he asks for greasy breakfast foods, he’s on the mend.
- Hydrate. Offer water in a shallow dish. Not Pedialyte. If you give that little guy electrolytes, he’ll be back at Total Wine by happy hour.
- Provide Emotional support. Raccoons are sensitive. Tell him:“Buddy, we’ve all fallen through a ceiling tile somewhere in life.”
- Do NOT—under any circumstances—let him ‘call his ex.’ Once he’s completed a successful detox, it’s time for the next step.
#2 Raccoon Alcohol Anonymous Meeting (RAA)
They meet behind a dumpster at 7 p.m.—because raccoons are nocturnal and dumpsters provide both privacy and snacks. A typical meeting includes:
- Introductions: “Hi, I’m Rocky, and it’s been three days since I fell through a ceiling tile.”
- Sharing: “I hit bottom… literally. Landed on the vodka shelf.”
- Supportive nodding: Though with raccoons, it’s more of a solemn head-tilt combined with a sympathetic paw gesture.
- The Serenity Prayer: Unfortunately may be interrupted by a javelina crashing the meeting looking for chips and dips—nothing kills a spiritual moment faster.
Signs your raccoon is recovering:
- Stops seeing two trash cans when there is only one
- Can say “chitter chitter” without slurring
- Reclaims his natural pride by hissing at a cactus
Signs of relapse:
- He starts singing karaoke
- He tries to drive
- He asks if you “have anything top-shelf”
Good luck and remember, our love and respect for wildlife is a source of pride in our desert culture.
Sonoran Sue Out here at my local locksmith
Susan Kravitz is the creator of the Comedy Klatch performing troop in SaddleBrooke. Her crew will be performing several skits in February of 2026.
