Dishing Retirement Life with a Side of Prickly Pear

Sonoran Sue

Dear Sonoran Sue,
Help! It’s 112 degrees in the shade, and my normally sweet, brownie baking wife has turned into a heatwave harpy. She won’t let me open the blinds (“the sunlight’s attacking me”), and threw an entire chicken salad at the wall because it had “warm lettuce.” Yesterday I woke up to the sound of my dentures ricocheting off the ceiling fan.

How do I get my wife back? She’s melting into a hostile puddle of rage and SPF 70.

—Sweating and Scared in Saddlebrooke

Dear Sweaty,

Oh honey! You’re not married to a monster—you’re married to a woman whose entire internal thermostat has declared war on the Sonoran summer. I share her pain, so let me guide you through the inferno…

Do Not Engage the Thermo-Dragon

If she says the A/C is “blowing funny,” don’t ask questions. Nod like you’re being debriefed by Homeland Security and quickly hand her the remote. One false move and she’ll launch into a tirade blaming you for global warming, and that time in 1987 when you insisted on vinyl seats for the Buick. If she asks for her slippers to be microwaved “just for balance,” you do it. She doesn’t want solutions. She wants obedience.

Become Her Hero

Darken the house like Dracula moved in. Set up fans in a sacred circle. Offer cucumber slices and popsicles with holy reverence. Whisper endearingly “I turned the thermostat to 66.” Throw your socks in the freezer as a gesture of solidarity. Offer to make her dinner, then slow-roast a bratwurst in your mailbox. You’ll know you’ve done a good job when she later apologizes for calling you “a human space heater with opinions.”

Desert summer’s are all about blackout curtains, chilled washcloths, and knowing when to duck poultry-based projectiles.

Hang in there, Sweaty. You’re not alone.

Yours in dry heat,

Sonoran Sue
Hanging cool at the freezer aisle at Fry’s

Susan Kravitz is the creator of the Comedy Klatch performing troop in SaddleBrooke. Her crew will be performing several skits in Fall of 2025. Click here for the website.