Halloween in SaddleBrooke — or When Senior Dignity Flies Away Like a Bat Out of Hell.  

Sonoran Sue Speaks Out:

Out and about in the ‘Brooke today. How silly of me to forget! It’s Halloween — that magical time when mature adults (and I use that term the way Fry’s uses “fresh”) transform into a mob of sugar-fueled toddlers in polyester costumes.

Let’s get one thing straight: if you’re over 65 and still think dressing as a “Sexy Nurse” or “Pirate Wench” is a community service, you might be suffering from Developmental Denial Disorder. Nothing says “I miss my youth” like walking your dog in a tutu and orthopedic sandals.

And don’t even get me started on the couples costumes. Every year it’s the same tired lineup: Fred and Wilma, Sonny and Cher, or—heaven help us—Plug and Socket. Folks, that’s not “cute.” That’s a cry for help from two people who haven’t agreed on dinner since the Obama administration.

Then there are the trick-or-treaters. And by “trick-or-treaters,” I mean seniors wandering door to door asking, “Do you have anything sugar-free?” Some of you carry wine glasses. You call it a “progressive costume crawl.” I call it an AARP pub crawl with props of humiliation.  

Now let’s talk about the aftermath. Every year, without fail, the Oro Valley ER looks like an episode of Emergency Room: Senior Edition. Mini Snickers, my friends, still contain enough sugar to sweeten the entire serving staff in both MV and HOA 1. The next morning, insulin levels are spiking higher than property taxes, and you can hear Metformin bottles rattling like maracas of remorse. And in case anyone noticed, this year chocolate is out and bright flavored gummies are in.  Might as well mainline IV glucose.

And please—for the love of sanity—keep the haunted golf carts off the main roads. I saw one last night covered in cobwebs, driven by a guy wearing a Grim Reaper hood and a hearing aid. Not a combo you want barreling down Ridgeview at dusk.

So by all means, dress up your dog, decorate your cactus, sip your pumpkin spice, and have your fun. But remember, the scariest thing about Halloween in SaddleBrooke isn’t the costumes.It’s the collective blood-sugar spike that follows.

— Sonoran Sue
Out here hitchhiking on Ridgeview… dressed as a Fry’s employee.